Hello Reader,

"I've sorted my side of the house, I know exactly what needs to go, but my partner won't let me touch their things."

I hear a version of this from clients all the time and what I've noticed is that these disagreements are rarely about the stuff. Each person has a need that hasn't been named: calm and mental space for one, perhaps safety, continuity or a sense of identity for the other. When those needs collide unspoken, the argument ends up being about the objects themselves, when that really isn't the issue.

One idea you could try this week is territories. Most homes have shared spaces, like the kitchen and living room, and spaces that effectively belong to one person, like a wardrobe, desk or bedside table. Sometimes the problem is that you have never agreed which is which.

Try asking each other three questions:

• What's yours to decide?
• What's mine?
• What do we decide together?

Once you have clear answers, you also have a place to start that needs nobody's permission, which is your own space. Clearing it often changes how the home feels enough to inspire the other person or open up a wider conversation.

I've just published a new blog on this if you want to understand these dynamics better. It looks at what's really going on underneath these disagreements, how they play out between partners, with adult children, with kids who won't let go, and in blended families. If you're stuck in a pattern that keeps repeating, it could help you work out where to begin.

​You can read the article here.​

Best wishes,

Helen

PS Whilst your own territory is the least contentious place to start, that still doesn’t make it easy. If you are stuck it might help you to join my 5-Day Getting Clear Challenge, starting on Wednesday. A morning email with an insight and one clear action each day, plus three live sessions with me could give you just the momentum you need. https://www.helensanderson.com/five-day-declutter-challenge/​